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   hearing the song half crazy,makes me wonder and ponder things in life, if i was crazy enough to fullfil and achive the love that i want...

 its been a month or two since i had my "best guy". i must give this to him..for i know he was crazy for me...crazy to be sorry i guess... for it is my fault that  he feels crazy for bringing out the best in me..

half crazy...i guess is also what i felt before, i pushed him to be at his state of depression as  i pushed him to love someone else..as i did..

 i know there is no one else that would love me the way he did...i am half crazy for it is true i felt sorry for my self...

 for some reason, i know it is i to blame with all the mess i did and mistakes i did to him..i caused him hurt , and it just aint fair,,wasted his time as well! i shouldnt had done that ! i shouldnt had treated him like that...should had given him the love that he gave to me as well...

a love that is beautifull inside and out!a realtionship that was strong enough to make tears into a stone...almost to perfect or ideal atleast...

for now it may be all a wish...for him or to me...i know its not fair!and that i might think i may never chage or i may not know how it feels ..but believe me i do...

i owe it to you,...for all the pain and tears i caused you! and i my self wished that i was half crazy also in bringing the best on both of us...

   

      I enterd a relationship hoping that ill be happy, i entered hoping that all my expectations will happend. I entered cause i think im prepared! But now as i am typing this, all i did was hoped for i my self dont know if i should be hoping!

     I never expected that he will be in my life or rather that ill bump in to him! for there so many reasons why i thought of this unpredictable what if's.There is the fact that my friend liked him so much, there is the fact that i think we are in two diffrent worlds, there is the fact that i dont know him that well...But i my self dont know how we hooked upp? All i know that it started at this party of my life, my birthday! I was presented with a wonderfull gift, and that is the moment that we had.....a moment to cherish and to remember! holding hands, talking to him, staring at him as he stares back! those were the perfect moments!

    Moments that turned my world, that even make my birthday complete! but little did i know that i just had my 15 mins of cuddles and big smiles.....less than i am aware that the big HOPE is about to slap me at my face! Hope that i thought this will be like forever.....but i guess the cliche is quite true " dont hope that much coz u mit end up hopeless". I guess this is the hope i enetered.

     I guess i hoped too much  on this relationship, it is my fault that i should be aware of the hopes that can bring me! i should teach my self how to discipline my self in controling  my exepectations....again all my hopes are gone....all my hopes were on the ground....again im hopeles...

     Why do i have to hope for the best?

     Why do i have to feel this hopelesness?

      Why do i have to expect?

      .....all i just did was love this person........

      .....is this what i get in loving a person?.......

      .......In life they say its like the ocean, you have to go with flow of the sea! there are high tides and there are the low ones! but does it always have to be loving the person you desire that makes my life in high tides?......

    

i dont know how to react on some situations....
i dont know if what im doing is right or wrong....
i dont know if some one is judging me the way i act...
i dont know if my actions speak louder than words...


i always stare at something that im not sure if i am really looking at it or not,
i stare on it as if it really catches my atention.
but the truth??? i was just in awe with what im seeing.....

as i look i felt nothing......
i thought of nothing..
i cant see anything..
it was blank....

in a split second im back again..
back to my senses ..
then il be thinking again of my problems...
il be having anks again...

i thought of making fun of somthing can be the best way to put my self out of the problem....
i thought that expressing my smile can lessen the burden, the doubt, the anks...
but i failed...its not the best remedy to hide from anks of life...

im now in a situation where in everything i do makes me conscious on how i do, on how i react, on what i tell....
im trying to be carefull on things i say and things i act,
but im not still so sure if its the best way to do..


i pretend i like whats going on
i pretend i know everything.
but honestly, sometimes i dont....
i pretend......

i dont know if i should feel that i am still accepted
i dont know if they still like me
do they still like me?
or????

i dont want to think that way ...
i dont want to be paranoid that this things are hapening...
i dont want to think that im not...
i dont want to doubt...

i dont know if theyr really happy for me
i dont know if they meant it..
i dont know if im being judged...
i really dont know...


im not angry...

im not doubting....

im not asking....

i just dont know how to react...

i just dont know what to feel.............

then so be it....If that's what you want to believe....if that's what you want to feel....if that's what you think is right.



In life we make decisions that we think is right. We dicide for our own sake....knowing that we CAN ask for advices to make our decisions right.


We are not judging you...We are not accusing you....We are helping you....



If that's your decision then so be it... if you felt that you are facing reality with good intensions, then so be it.....if you felt that you are doing the right thing then go ahead...


Facing our fears comes with a lot of guts to do...i bow on you my friend...for you have chosen to take the risk. For you have chosen to know the truth, as they say "truth shall prevail" If that's what your hoping for your prince to set it free then i wish you all the best...


Banking on false hopes really hurts.Banking when the time comes that you needed to tell how you feel, then at the back of your mind, you think that it might be a wrong move can hurt. I dont want to be rude , but can you tell me that your conscience is clear? that you are not expecting for a good reply?........If you dont then im happy for you, but if its yes...then i knew it.......Your not denying my friend your just INDENIAL...its somthing that our minds try to set it on our hearts....


If hope is all we want to be our weapon in this battle of truth...then i think were not worthy to face the battle! we think we are ready, but do we really FEEL that we are ready? being ready to face the reality is not just that we a think that we are equiped. Feeling that we are prepared is what we need... its our emotional ego that would shield us on the hurt, on the pain, on the tears that are ready to strike us...........If we are ready to feel this again then so be it..........


i know your longing for a release on your heart, a realease that would make you say that you faced reality, that you are brave enough to face it and fight it.


My friend there are a lot of ways for you to have the truth that your longing for......... believe me my friend i experienced it......and you would'nt want to regeret as people do...........


im not judging, im not criticizing, im not balming............

im just advicing you my friend..............


yet your decision is yours..........
whatever it is..........
i hope for the best..........
i hope for the contentment of your heart......


whatever it is.............


then so be it..............

Are we stupid or not?
Are we foolish or not?
Are we open minded or not?
Are we indenial or not?


I think in this so called life of being unique we tend to hang on to past? Why? because its a rair event in our lives that we have a lover, that we have somone that we can cling on to. We have to accept that living in this world is full of hopes that we will be happy in the end......and indeed hopes that we can deny the fact that we become indenial............


When luck hits us , we hang on to them as tightly as we can...luck that somone loved us...luck that somone accepted us on how we were...on who are we...We assume that the world is so perfect coz that desired love of our's, finally is in reality......We hold them tight and never let go of them...But what if we were wrong? what if it was just a false alarm?what do we do????

We assume , we expect, that everything is ok!!!! we are indenial that things are being planed for us, we think that everything is hapening the way we wanted......But no....those are all signs of indenial!!!!! we can not accept that there will be always a tragedy on our fairytales, that there will be a vilen on the story, that there will always be a problem! but still we act as if it doesnt exist....

Our eyes are tightly closed or if not we act as we are horses. Straight eyes....focused only in one direction...we let our mind instruct our eyes where to look.We dont follow what our heart feels....We instruct our minds and hearts that the road the we are taking is smooth and correct.....

It is sad that all of us will and can feel that way.....we will be in the stage of being selfish! we will be in the moment of being alone...but still we try to fight it back.....we use our feelings to be our shield in this battle of reality.... we think that we can fight the battle alone...that we will not be alone and that we will not be in our indenial stage that the one we loved will no longer be with us. That he will never be in our arms again....

We still hope that this will be repeated. but let me ask you, do you still want to be in a position in your life that you hang on to FALSE HOPES????

Open your wings my friend ,open your eyes my friend, let go of somthing that is imposibele, let go of the un easy feeling.....

The world had so much to offer to us my friend......
And that is what we should be looking for...
The beautiful and more fruitfull things around us....

Well never know that it may be the happiness that we are really longing for...........

let go my friend...........
let go my friend..................
let go my friend.....................

stop being indenial...........

hold my hand my friend as i will fly you to the wonderfull things that your box of chocolates has to offer...............


..................... let go of the indenials................

..................... break away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!